Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Lots and lots of love...
Where to begin...?
At this point I'm so far behind I'm nearly positive I will never get all the things that are going through my head expressed aloud. I really planned on having some meaningful posts...things like...
A birth story...or some sort of thing like that; Zay coming to the hospital to meet Ellie; Oh...and her name and all the nicknames we've gone through (the two that are holding on: Ellie & Lizzy); All our friends and family meeting Ellie; The first week at home with our little girl; The PKU phone call; Her first doctor appointments
...you know, all the important things I want to remember about this first week with Ellie. But realistically, I haven't had an ounce of extra time or energy to spare...
But we do have lots to share.
The last week has been amazing. It's been an experience all our own. I'm in awe of how every family has their own story. How God chooses particular people to fulfill particular roles. I've been reminded of how special our family's story is this week. And I've been convicted of my own role as a wife and mom. Things aren't always comfortable in our life and sometimes they are downright burdensome. But the beauty of it all...it's ours; the undertaking, the love, the frustrations, the joy, the challenges, the blessings - it's all ours!
48 hours.
That's what kept going through my mind over and over last Friday. A bit of poor me syndrome. 48 hours was the length of time I felt like I was a normal mom. Yes, it is selfish. We received the life changing phone call diagnosing our sweet Ellie with PKU and I'm thinking about how it affects me. I'm not proud of the fact, but it is the truth. I was so proud of how well we were doing with nursing. I loved being her single source of nourishment and that undeniable connection it brings. I loved not having to think about measuring anything. I loved the uncomplicated feeling. I loved how good it felt to be a confident mom...knowing how much more intricate it could be, but wasn't. Not yet anyway.
Then we received the call. I distinctly remember receiving the call with Zay. I was honestly surprised by my reaction this time around. We all knew it was a possibility. 1 in 4 to be exact. But that also meant there was a 3 in 4 chance that she wouldn't have it! Before I could hang up the phone I was in tears.
In absolute honesty...my thoughts were: "have I been completely irresponsible to bring another little life into this world knowing she might have this challenge for the rest of her life?" The challenge of balancing feelings of grief and the complete joy of having our new little girl was hard for a couple days. Not going to deny that the not-so-fun and completely illogical postpartum hormones were helping any part of the situation. They definitely were not.
There is something about realizing that in this world we don't always get to choose. We are sometimes made vulnerable when we want nothing more than to be strong. We sometimes need to feel that vulnerability in order to have faith. Strong faith. The kind of faith that makes you realize that nothing and no one in this world can shake you from resting in the palm of God's Hand...
I've now had a few days to absorb the idea of having two children with PKU and I'm finding my confidence again. I'm discovering that the drive and passion that took me months to find with Zay is only taking a few days with Ellie. My babies are amazing. And I'm going to figure out how to be the amazing mom they deserve. I don't and won't always get it right, but I will learn and they will know that they are loved. Of this I am sure.
At this point I'm so far behind I'm nearly positive I will never get all the things that are going through my head expressed aloud. I really planned on having some meaningful posts...things like...
A birth story...or some sort of thing like that; Zay coming to the hospital to meet Ellie; Oh...and her name and all the nicknames we've gone through (the two that are holding on: Ellie & Lizzy); All our friends and family meeting Ellie; The first week at home with our little girl; The PKU phone call; Her first doctor appointments
...you know, all the important things I want to remember about this first week with Ellie. But realistically, I haven't had an ounce of extra time or energy to spare...
But we do have lots to share.
The last week has been amazing. It's been an experience all our own. I'm in awe of how every family has their own story. How God chooses particular people to fulfill particular roles. I've been reminded of how special our family's story is this week. And I've been convicted of my own role as a wife and mom. Things aren't always comfortable in our life and sometimes they are downright burdensome. But the beauty of it all...it's ours; the undertaking, the love, the frustrations, the joy, the challenges, the blessings - it's all ours!
48 hours.
That's what kept going through my mind over and over last Friday. A bit of poor me syndrome. 48 hours was the length of time I felt like I was a normal mom. Yes, it is selfish. We received the life changing phone call diagnosing our sweet Ellie with PKU and I'm thinking about how it affects me. I'm not proud of the fact, but it is the truth. I was so proud of how well we were doing with nursing. I loved being her single source of nourishment and that undeniable connection it brings. I loved not having to think about measuring anything. I loved the uncomplicated feeling. I loved how good it felt to be a confident mom...knowing how much more intricate it could be, but wasn't. Not yet anyway.
Then we received the call. I distinctly remember receiving the call with Zay. I was honestly surprised by my reaction this time around. We all knew it was a possibility. 1 in 4 to be exact. But that also meant there was a 3 in 4 chance that she wouldn't have it! Before I could hang up the phone I was in tears.
In absolute honesty...my thoughts were: "have I been completely irresponsible to bring another little life into this world knowing she might have this challenge for the rest of her life?" The challenge of balancing feelings of grief and the complete joy of having our new little girl was hard for a couple days. Not going to deny that the not-so-fun and completely illogical postpartum hormones were helping any part of the situation. They definitely were not.
The unfairness still sometimes gets to me. Shane and I did not ask to be a carrier of this weird gene that makes it so our children cannot eat protein. Who thinks they will ever be the one to have something hidden like this?
However, I eventually remember why God has blessed us with children. I know that our big boy and our little girl are perfectly made in His image. They are just the way He created them to be...PKU and all. I cannot worry about why and how and what people might think of us and our family. It simply doesn't matter.
The things that matter...the love that we have for our sweet kiddos! I might be a bit partial, but they are rockstars. Seriously. Zay has always taken everything in stride and through her first appointments, Ellie is quickly following suit. They get poked and prodded more than any baby or child should. And I am not naive to think that there aren't other kids that have it worse...that's the great thing about having kids with differences, you quickly become aware of counting your blessings. It could always be worse. And when you have it worse in a certain area, you can quickly gain compassion for others. Perspective is a beautiful thing!
And so, we've arrived at the next crossroads in our life. I thought we'd be heading down one path but we quickly hit the road detour sign. We now turn around and take the more difficult and longer road to get to the same destination as every other parent. To love our children and lead them the best way we know how. There is no road map in parenting...and especially not in PKU parenting.
I've now had a few days to absorb the idea of having two children with PKU and I'm finding my confidence again. I'm discovering that the drive and passion that took me months to find with Zay is only taking a few days with Ellie. My babies are amazing. And I'm going to figure out how to be the amazing mom they deserve. I don't and won't always get it right, but I will learn and they will know that they are loved. Of this I am sure.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Elizabeth Ann Austerman
Our sweet little girl is here!
Elizabeth Ann Austerman
September 13, 2012 at 1:08 PM
6 lbs 7 oz. 19 inches long
Lots of dark brown hair
Zay is a proud big brother and we are all so in love with her!
Elizabeth Ann Austerman
September 13, 2012 at 1:08 PM
6 lbs 7 oz. 19 inches long
Lots of dark brown hair
Zay is a proud big brother and we are all so in love with her!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Phone Dump - Home Renovation Style!
Since I have no clue if I will ever get a real post up of our home renovation, I thought I'd at least post a phone dump version! Enjoy some pics!
waiting...anticipating...reflecting
I haven't had a whole lot of time to write on here lately.
Honestly, I haven't had a whole lot of time for anything...unless you count remodeling, moving, cleaning, organizing, scheduling, unpacking, attending appointments, squeezing in very few precious and 'normal' days for Zay and I, and embracing the rare moments of uninterrupted and meaningful conversation with Shane! We have pretty well been stretched to our limits the past few weeks. And through it all, I am so thankful.
We've plugged away and we are finally at a point where I feel like we are ready to bring our baby girl home...to a new home, a beautiful home we've put our very own blood, sweat, and tears into. We have an amazing backyard where Zay already runs off ample amounts of energy. All of our neighbors have been very kind and generous. We are more than content with our decision on our new home and community, even if the timing wasn't ideal.
But I don't want to write about our new home today.
My post today is a bit more meaningful than a house. Today it's our children that are on my heart.
I've had some emotions come over me this past week, that I honestly wasn't expecting. This entire pregnancy I've been so excited. Excited for another child to join our family, excited for Zay to become a big brother, excited to have a little girl, excited to see Shane become a father again...just plain excited.
Then the last few weeks I've found myself feeling other things. Like a little guilty or sad for Zay. Weird. I guess before the last few weeks, I never even considered I would feel these things. Whenever I've read things about "cherishing the last moments" with the first born as an only child, I've almost always dismissed them. I suppose I've always been eager to think in terms of how the other children feel. And being the second born among my own siblings, I think to myself, well the second born (and any children after) never get that one-on-one attention from mom and dad! Therefore the first born is so fortunate! There is no point in feeling bad that they are going to have to share that attention now...
I guess it proves that there probably is something to be said about birth order and how it affects us.
None-the-less, I've been extra thankful for my first born these past few days. As I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy I am fully aware that my days of just hanging out with Zay are limited. I am so appreciative of Zay and his sweet personality. Yes, of course there are moments when he is just a typical two-year-old...but I also get to see him be the sweetest of sweet little boys. He still wants to snuggle on my ever shrinking lap-space. He smiles so big and bright when he sees me enter the house/room/car. He yells a "love you, bye-bye daddy" that is so full of meaning, as Shane is leaving for work. He rarely fusses when going down for his nap and/or bedtime. He requests to pray for certain people before bed, it absolutely melts my heart when he says he wants to pray for 'mommy' or 'daddy'. He gets it...most days probably better than some adults understand the power of prayer. Child-like faith - love it! And it never fails...if mommy and daddy forget to mention Bailey and Bongo in their prayers, we must add an addendum to that prayer and ask God to bless those puppies! Our dogs are the most prayed for pups in the world! :) And the sweetest little "AH-MEAN" at the end makes me so happy.
Honestly, I haven't had a whole lot of time for anything...unless you count remodeling, moving, cleaning, organizing, scheduling, unpacking, attending appointments, squeezing in very few precious and 'normal' days for Zay and I, and embracing the rare moments of uninterrupted and meaningful conversation with Shane! We have pretty well been stretched to our limits the past few weeks. And through it all, I am so thankful.
We've plugged away and we are finally at a point where I feel like we are ready to bring our baby girl home...to a new home, a beautiful home we've put our very own blood, sweat, and tears into. We have an amazing backyard where Zay already runs off ample amounts of energy. All of our neighbors have been very kind and generous. We are more than content with our decision on our new home and community, even if the timing wasn't ideal.
But I don't want to write about our new home today.
My post today is a bit more meaningful than a house. Today it's our children that are on my heart.
I've had some emotions come over me this past week, that I honestly wasn't expecting. This entire pregnancy I've been so excited. Excited for another child to join our family, excited for Zay to become a big brother, excited to have a little girl, excited to see Shane become a father again...just plain excited.
Then the last few weeks I've found myself feeling other things. Like a little guilty or sad for Zay. Weird. I guess before the last few weeks, I never even considered I would feel these things. Whenever I've read things about "cherishing the last moments" with the first born as an only child, I've almost always dismissed them. I suppose I've always been eager to think in terms of how the other children feel. And being the second born among my own siblings, I think to myself, well the second born (and any children after) never get that one-on-one attention from mom and dad! Therefore the first born is so fortunate! There is no point in feeling bad that they are going to have to share that attention now...
I guess it proves that there probably is something to be said about birth order and how it affects us.
None-the-less, I've been extra thankful for my first born these past few days. As I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy I am fully aware that my days of just hanging out with Zay are limited. I am so appreciative of Zay and his sweet personality. Yes, of course there are moments when he is just a typical two-year-old...but I also get to see him be the sweetest of sweet little boys. He still wants to snuggle on my ever shrinking lap-space. He smiles so big and bright when he sees me enter the house/room/car. He yells a "love you, bye-bye daddy" that is so full of meaning, as Shane is leaving for work. He rarely fusses when going down for his nap and/or bedtime. He requests to pray for certain people before bed, it absolutely melts my heart when he says he wants to pray for 'mommy' or 'daddy'. He gets it...most days probably better than some adults understand the power of prayer. Child-like faith - love it! And it never fails...if mommy and daddy forget to mention Bailey and Bongo in their prayers, we must add an addendum to that prayer and ask God to bless those puppies! Our dogs are the most prayed for pups in the world! :) And the sweetest little "AH-MEAN" at the end makes me so happy.
I just can't say enough of how proud and overwhelmed I am with God's gift of Zay to our family. I can't imagine how another child will bless our family as well. It should only be a few short days before we get to hold our sweet little girl and see Zay become a big brother. What an exciting time for our family. Thanking God for both of our blessings today!
Children are a blessing from the Lord. -Psalm 127
Friday, September 7, 2012
Baby Girl Austerman...updated pics!
I thought I would post some quick pictures of our little girl...hoping these are the last ultrasound pictures and the next ones are of her in our arms!!! Shouldn't be long now...I'm now dilated between 4-5cm...nearly half way there, but no painful contractions (just braxton hicks)! Maybe this will make for a quick and easy labor...I won't get too excited - ha!
I also have some major catching up to do on this blog...our new house, renovating the entire main floor in our new house, moving into our new house, and my husband changing positions at his job...I'm thinking by the time I get around to catching up on those things, our baby girl will be here!
We obviously don't mess around when it comes to doing exciting events all-at-once in our life! :)
For now...enjoy the pics of our little gal!
I also have some major catching up to do on this blog...our new house, renovating the entire main floor in our new house, moving into our new house, and my husband changing positions at his job...I'm thinking by the time I get around to catching up on those things, our baby girl will be here!
We obviously don't mess around when it comes to doing exciting events all-at-once in our life! :)
For now...enjoy the pics of our little gal!
Check out this little girl's hair! The questions is...is it red like her brother's???
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Look at her chubby little cheeks!
Not sure if you can tell, but she's touching her hands to her toes!
And her mouth/nose!
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