Lots and lots of love...

Where to begin...?

At this point I'm so far behind I'm nearly positive I will never get all the things that are going through my head expressed aloud. I really planned on having some meaningful posts...things like...

A birth story...or some sort of thing like that; Zay coming to the hospital to meet Ellie; Oh...and her name and all the nicknames we've gone through (the two that are holding on: Ellie & Lizzy); All our friends and family meeting Ellie; The first week at home with our little girl; The PKU phone call; Her first doctor appointments

...you know, all the important things I want to remember about this first week with Ellie. But realistically, I haven't had an ounce of extra time or energy to spare...

But we do have lots to share.

The last week has been amazing. It's been an experience all our own. I'm in awe of how every family has their own story. How God chooses particular people to fulfill particular roles. I've been reminded of how special our family's story is this week. And I've been convicted of my own role as a wife and mom. Things aren't always comfortable in our life and sometimes they are downright burdensome. But the beauty of it all...it's ours; the undertaking, the love, the frustrations, the joy, the challenges, the blessings - it's all ours!

48 hours.

That's what kept going through my mind over and over last Friday. A bit of poor me syndrome. 48 hours was the length of time I felt like I was a normal mom. Yes, it is selfish. We received the life changing phone call diagnosing our sweet Ellie with PKU and I'm thinking about how it affects me. I'm not proud of the fact, but it is the truth. I was so proud of how well we were doing with nursing. I loved being her single source of nourishment and that undeniable connection it brings. I loved not having to think about measuring anything. I loved the uncomplicated feeling. I loved how good it felt to be a confident mom...knowing how much more intricate it could be, but wasn't. Not yet anyway.

Then we received the call. I distinctly remember receiving the call with Zay. I was honestly surprised by my reaction this time around. We all knew it was a possibility. 1 in 4 to be exact. But that also meant there was a 3 in 4 chance that she wouldn't have it! Before I could hang up the phone I was in tears.

In absolute honesty...my thoughts were: "have I been completely irresponsible to bring another little life into this world knowing she might have this challenge for the rest of her life?" The challenge of balancing feelings of grief and the complete joy of having our new little girl was hard for a couple days. Not going to deny that the not-so-fun and completely illogical postpartum hormones were helping any part of the situation. They definitely were not.

The unfairness still sometimes gets to me. Shane and I did not ask to be a carrier of this weird gene that makes it so our children cannot eat protein. Who thinks they will ever be the one to have something hidden like this? 

However, I eventually remember why God has blessed us with children. I know that our big boy and our little girl are perfectly made in His image. They are just the way He created them to be...PKU and all. I cannot worry about why and how and what people might think of us and our family. It simply doesn't matter.

The things that matter...the love that we have for our sweet kiddos! I might be a bit partial, but they are rockstars. Seriously. Zay has always taken everything in stride and through her first appointments, Ellie is quickly following suit. They get poked and prodded more than any baby or child should. And I am not naive to think that there aren't other kids that have it worse...that's the great thing about having kids with differences, you quickly become aware of counting your blessings. It could always be worse. And when you have it worse in a certain area, you can quickly gain compassion for others. Perspective is a beautiful thing! 

And so, we've arrived at the next crossroads in our life. I thought we'd be heading down one path but we quickly hit the road detour sign. We now turn around and take the more difficult and longer road to get to the same destination as every other parent. To love our children and lead them the best way we know how. There is no road map in parenting...and especially not in PKU parenting. 

There is something about realizing that in this world we don't always get to choose. We are sometimes made vulnerable when we want nothing more than to be strong. We sometimes need to feel that vulnerability in order to have faith. Strong faith. The kind of faith that makes you realize that nothing and no one in this world can shake you from resting in the palm of God's Hand...

I've now had a few days to absorb the idea of having two children with PKU and I'm finding my confidence again. I'm discovering that the drive and passion that took me months to find with Zay is only taking a few days with Ellie. My babies are amazing. And I'm going to figure out how to be the amazing mom they deserve. I don't and won't always get it right, but I will learn and they will know that they are loved. Of this I am sure.